Weirdoz

The following is the rough translation of an article I wrote about Australia for the Kitagawa village newsletter. It was written partly in homage to an old Japanese TV show that was one of my favourites (infact probably the only one I ever watched!) - ここが変だよ!日本人! (This is Strange! You Japanese!).

This is Strange! You Australians!

When English zoologists first got their hands on a platypus back in the 19th century, they assumed that the Australians were playing a joke on them, sticking a duck's bill on the body of a rat. With its duck's bill, rat's body, beaver's tail, webbed feet, poison spurs, and eggs, the platypus is certainly one of the strangest creatures on the planet. But strange as Australia's animals might be, it soon became all too apparent that the human inhabitants down-under were often equally odd.



Unimpressed with the conventional Europe-at-the-top, Australia-at-the-bottom world map, the “Upside-Down World Map” was created. But in many ways, Australian culture and it's values can be as upside down it's maps.

Australian national pride has a lot more to do with losing (well if possible) or to sticking it up the authorities than with great victories or noble leaders, and to an Australian ear obscenities like "Bastard," "Bloody drongo" or "Get a dog up ya!" are more endearing than words of praise or admiration.

Achievements in the academic and economic fields are often overlooked or even scorned, but stories of a poor outlaw or a horse with a big heart inspire a great sense of patriotism. Surveys have shown that few Australians know the name of their first Prime Minister (he was a bit of a bigot, so it’s probably better that way), and almost none the name of their current Attorney General, but farmers who fight a losing battle against a land that doesn't seem to want them are given the highest respect. Great Australian victories in battle go largely unsung, while on Anzac Day we commemorate the battle of Gallipoli, our most crushing defeat. Few Australians can sing their national anthem through to the second verse, but a song about a homeless sheep-thief who drowns himself rather than submit to the authorities touches people's hearts. Australia is one of the most urbanised countries in the world, and her cities some of the most beautiful, yet Australian identity is inescapably tied to the harsh and unforgiving outback.



Stranger still are stories about Australia's Prime Ministers: Her elected representatives in the political arena, they also seem to have the uncanny knack of becoming representative of Australia's stranger and wilder side. Seventies Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser, though a strong and spirited politician, will probably be remembered more for an episode in Memphis, USA, where he stumbled into the crowded lobby of a hotel, sans-pants. Eighties Prime Minister Bob Hawke once drank 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds, earning himself a place in the record books as the both the fastest beer drinker in the world, and the most popular Prime Minister in Australian history. Nineties Prime Minster Paul Keating, famous for his biting insults and sharp wit, was once accused of groping the Queen. In reply he said, “I like the Queen... and I think she likes me too!” Australia also managed to lose one of its Prime Ministers (oops!), when Harold Holt went for a swim at the beach one day and never came back. No body was found and no national inquiry held, but the popular Melbourne public pool “Harold Holt Memorial Swimming Centre” was named in memory of the tragic event!

But weird stories and strange patriotism aside, and despite having personally chosen to live away from her fair shores for the better part of 6 years, I do still buy into the standard Australian propaganda that claims us the title of 'The Lucky Country'. Australia has some of the most beautiful natural scenery, highest quality of life, best beaches and keenest senses of irony in the world... and the people are mostly pretty friendly too (hey, Pauline Hanson's in prison now!).

Visit if you get the chance, but don’t forget to “Get a dog up ya!”

Tropical Escape

I spent a winter in Toronto once, but even though the temperature rarely got above zero, the centrally heated houses made it a cozy 2 months. Seoul can bitter in the winter too, but Korean houses all have in-floor heating (on-dul) which is hot enough to dry a load of laundry overnight.

Japan on the other hand seems possessed of a perverse obsession with the cold. Despite being one of the wealthiest countries in the world, none of the schools have heating, and houses seem somehow cunningly designed to actually trap the cold inside (except in summer when they seem to trap the heat), and none more so than my monstrous impossible-to-heat 8-bedroom ex-dormitory of a house. When the cold gets too much, I usually step outside for a walk, where it is invariably a few degrees warmer.

Fed up with shivering, cold classrooms and kerosene fumes, I decided to head south to warmer climes - Malaysia for a five day tropical escape in lovely Langkawi.





It was hard to come back.

Langkawi Photos

Babel Fish

The young couple where you have gotten married exactly was in the continuation of newly-married travelling of the wedding night. That they took clothing because of the bed, simultaneously, the husband who is the largely powerful person puts that pants and was said the throwing which is, "in here in that bride these. "

Put in place she those, the west two degrees in size in her body was. "As for me unless it can learn your pants," she said.

"The right! ! "Is, it was the husband," you forget that or. As for me this family pants ! "

That it is the person who has been attached to the body she him repels her panty, is said," try these. "Tries he those, can find and those cannot get near to only that kneecap.

He called to your panty, "the hell, me it is not possible to enter,!

"Is she the right, as for that you are ugly the attitude where! "Until it changes, being the method of doing a certain thing," saying

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you plugged some English into some translating software, translated it into Japanese then translated right it back into English? This is it, courtesy of AltVista's Babel Fish (try it yourself).



Some people have said that before long, technology will eliminate the need for human translators and for language teaching.

I don't think I'm quite out of a job yet...

ps. The passage was a joke. Just in case you didn't get it, here's the original:

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!"